One of the reasons for reaching a new financial deal was that manager Sir Alex Ferguson had discovered most of Rooney’s injuries were caused by him jumping off a church roof. “Wayne was thieving lead flashing and twisted his ankle jumping down when the vicar woke up”, revealed the United gaffer. “He also picked up a couple of knocks when some unsecured copper piping rolled off the back of his dad’s cart and hit Wayne on the knee”.

“These are happy times indeed”, says Fergsuon. “Not just for Wayne and his family but for the many residents in the Manchester area who have lost valuable pipework”.

“Basically, I couldn’t get any”, complains the leather-faced guitar legend. “I was an apprentice at Brentford, the Bees, and we’d train during the day, clean a few boots then I’d head on down to Chiswick at night to catch some blues. I was a great defender. Liked to get stuck in. Caught a ref round the head with a skull ring when I was thirteen”.

Richards says the lack of good quality hash made him throw in the towel. “In the Sixties, apprentices were on three bob a week. I’d save it up to buy some decent puff. But no-one at the club was selling the good Moroccan slabs. Bert the groundsman used to slip me a few leapers and I know for a fact the Chairman was dealing horse, but could I get some decent marijuana? It was very disappointing”.

Though building a decent reputation for its access to heroin, it was Brentford’s neighbours Queens Park Rangers that offered the best cannabis in London. “The weed at that gaff was the very, very best”, cackles Richards.

The statement reads:

“We are today sending out a plea to medical professionals across the world to come forward and help our client increase his brain power. Mr. Rooney has recently watched the 1980s movie Gremlins 2. In it, Mr. Rooney says ‘I saw one of them gremlins drink some stuff and then he, like, got brains. Can I gets some brains like what he has done got?’

We have spoken to the producers of Gremlins 2 who have said that, sadly, the movie was fictional and such a potion does not exist. That is why we are asking doctors around the world to please let us know if they have any magic brain juice for Wayne. He has a lot of money and will spend it on your magic brain juice if you come forward with some”.

IKER CASILLAS – Believes starfish are some kind of sea pastry made from fishy flour.
SERGIO RAMOS – Formerly Spain’s Hairiest Man, Ramos is sponsored by Veet.
GERARD PIQUE – Relaxes by busking with an accordion and pet marmoset outside Seville railway station.
CARLES PUYOL (pictured) – Recently launched a business to create synthetic synthetics.
JOAN CAPDEVILA – Spain’s first solar-powered player, has panel implants in skull.
SERGIO BUSQUETS – Midfield general also plays fuzz bass in Spanish metal outfit Bullsphincter.
PEDRO RODRIGUEZ – Favourite shingle : 6mm Pea.
XAVI HERNANDEZ – Is thought to have made hot, Latino love to 17% of European women.
XABI ALONSO – Lives in the world’s smallest windmill.
ANDRES INIESTA – Weight 29.18 Tonnes, Length 19.92 Metres, Width 2.82 Metres.
DAVID VILLA – Mercurial hitman goes by the graff tag “Kettle”.
FERNANDO TORRES – Favourite Homebase paint colour: Driftwood.
CESC FABREGAS – has tattoo of chorizo sausage on left shoulder.
JESUS NAVAS – Not actually a real person, Navas is world’s first animated 3D player.

Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho this morning revealed he is hiding a giant minge in his recently-built clocktower.

Sir Alex Ferguson is set to launch a bid for out-of-favour Real Madrid forward Chiddy Bang but the Manchester United boss must first secure funds by selling his collection of living cheeses.

Winger Hameur Bouazza has added two extra letter ‘Z’s to his surname and will share in the additional profits from shirt printing. Hameur Bzouzazza hopes to make an extra four pounds this season.

Cardiff midfielder Joe Ledley (pictured right, looking disgusted) is reportedly suing a local fairground after discovering human ejaculate in a sealed coconut.

Galatasaray’s Turkish winger Arda Turan has fallen into a wormhole in space. His agent says, “When he reappears, either tomorrow or several millennia into the future, he will sign for Liverpool”.

Arsenal has taken the extreme measure of sealing their playing staff in clingfilm. “We have been experiencing problems with the fallout from the ash cloud” says manager Arsene Wenger. “The squad is covered sticky layer of dust. Clingfilm will keep everything clean”

England keeper David James is reportedly in talks to join Fairport Convention but new Portsmouth boss Robert Wyatt is confident of persuading James to stay at Fratton Park by offering free harmonium lessons and asking Henry Cow to reform.

Stories are circulating that cleaners found a home made device that is thought to have been some kind of pipe for smoking cannabis.

An FA spokesman said: “There is no substance to the stories that a pipe, which some people have described as a vuvubongzela, was discovered in a player’s locker.”

“Neither is it true that an order went out for eleven deep dish Meat Feast pizzas at half time”.

The FA refuted all allegations that the national side may have played under the influence of illegal drugs, saying: “Even if they had each smoked an eighth of skunk they couldn’t have played as badly as they did against Germany.”

The largest number of cards shown in the World Cup so far is seven, by Paraguayan referee CARLOS SANTANA. Carlos also performed a sizzling guitar solo to calm down a confrontation between the managers of USA and South Korea.

England failure JOHN TERRY has told fans to visit his Oxshott home where they can each claim “one item of furniture or electrical goods or a quick snog” in compensation.

If Brazil reaches the final, mercurial midfielder KAKA hopes the team will adopt his live vampire bat as a mascot. “He is now very large. His wingspan reaches three metres and he feeds on the blood of goats. His name is Cocoabean”.

WAYNE ROONEY has yet to be told that England have been knocked out of the World Cup. Says STUART PEARCE, “He is a very emotional boy and we are worried the shock might upset him”.

Pundit DAVID PLEAT has called for the introduction of goal-line technology “which will be monitored from a central observation dome hidden in a secret complex at the bottom of the Mediterranean sea, controlled by me and henchman”.

Terry: fucking gagging for it

Visitors to the England team camp and hotel have been issued with official notice that captain John Terry is now in heat and must be approached with due care and attention.

Assistant coach Stuart Pearce handed out the notices and warned journalists: “No-one is safe. Once John goes in heat we all need to be on red alert. We have tried to confine him to his room with a selection of adult videos but he is begging to be let out”.

It is rumoured that Terry has been disturbing other residents at the team’s luxury hotel by howling like a baboon and rubbing himself up against pieces of furniture.

“We believe a Louix XII reproduction armchair caught fire due to excessive Terry frottage”, reports hotel manager Kurt Vanspall. “We managed to put out the fire, and Mr Terry’s ardour, with a large bucket of water”.

It is thought Terry will be in heat for at least seven days and the RAF has agreed to fly in rations of bromide, which will be placed in Terry’s Lucozade Sport.

“Our science department in Munich has reported a malfunction in the self-pumping chamber of the Jabulani ball”, admits R&D Head Gerhardt Manschel.

“In addition to the aeroswerve irrationality chamber, the self-pumping mechanism is key to the unique and technically advanced components of the World Cup ball.”

He added: “Unfortunately, we have been monitoring the ball and discovered fluctuations in rotor speed functionality”.

Adidas hope to deflect the wave of criticism by issuing remote controls so that referees can manually adjust the internal rate of rotation during games.

Dunga accused Jong-Hun of instructing his players to repeatedly ask Brazil’s stars about the famed chilli and hinted that he believed the stove in the Brazil dressing room had been bugged by a special camera that can photograph and analyse food ingredients.

He stormed: “This recipe has been handed down from Dunga to Dunga for generations. It is our recipe and no-one, I repeat NO-ONE, is allowed to know what’s cooking in my chilli pot”.

Speculation has flown around the Media Centre in Johannesburg regarding what might be in the chilli. Some believe it to contain parsley AND coriander, whilst others detect a distinct cinnamon taste.

“It has the players in a spin”, said Brazilain maestro Kaka. “There was a fist fight early today over whether Dunga had added piquancy by squeezing fresh lime juice over the concoction”.

Whatever the ingredients, it is thought the team will close ranks around their mercurial manager to ensure no one else can benefit from the mysterious but magical Dunga chilli.

Supporters’ spokesman Kevin Lee Worthy took time out from licking envelopes and avoiding getting a proper job to tell us, “This news is another dagger in the heart of the real, working class football fan. The man with a flat cap on his head, a hole in the sole of his boot and a brain filled with all manner of unsuitable thoughts about his young nephew.”

“It shows again that football is no longer the game of the people but just a platform for the likes of the Leon Brittans and the Tim Rices of this world to get together and sip frappacinos together.”

The figures came from a survey carried out by Tefal and compared Chelsea’s Executive Deluxe Season Package with Premier League newcomers Blackpool’s Budget Ditch Ticket

For £113,000 a season, Chelsea supporters can watch the game from inside one of four giant glass oysters that dangle from the corners of Stamford Bridge. A nine-course banquet is on the menu along with a full secretarial service, including hand shandies.

Conversely, for just £40 a season, Blackpool fans get to sit in a ditch outside Bloomfield Road (seen left) with no view of the action and have live match commentary barked at them by a knife-wielding thug.

Catering consists of being shown a photograph of the leftovers from Chelsea’s Executive Deluxe Season Package clients’ previous fixture.

The FA are trying to persuade parents of young players to calm down on the touchlines of their kids’ matches, but it’s obviously not working.

Here are some of the more shocking incidents which all took place at the under-9’s level of the game over the past season …

• A furious mum had to be drugged by paramedics after she started foaming at the mouth after her son was tackled from behind. She was later sectioned.

• An enraged dad buried himself alive on the touchline as a protest after his son was denied a penalty.

• A fight broke out between 18 parents of players on two different teams. In the end, the brawl spilled over on to the pitch, with the kids moving to the touchline to encourage their parents. This then led to another mass brawl.

• A gang of parents stormed the pitch inside a massive Chinese dragon (above) and chased the referee all the way back to his car after a row over a foul throw.

• The Albanian mafia were spotted casually handing out leaflets offering to act as agents for up-and-coming young players along with bespoke match-fixing and referee assassination services.

It is a well-recognised fact that many footballers are superstitious and undergo certain pre-match rituals to fend off bad luck. Here are some of the most distinctive…

• Liverpool defender Daniel Agger insists on humming the whole of the album ‘Trick of The Tail’ by Genesis (right) before every game.

• Manchester United legend Nobby Stiles always wore an extra pair of socks – on his testicles.

• Former Arsenal striker Alan Smith would spend the morning before an away game hitting himself with a bible.

• Alan Shearer once advertised for willing virgins prepared to sacrifice themselves in his underground temple at St. James’s Park. “I thought it might bring me luck and help us win some silverware,” Shearer said. Although three local women died assisting the talismanic number 9, Newcastle are still yet to win anything.

He explained, “Howard Kendall’s been battling a rare disease that made the skin on his head slowly peel off like the layers of an onion. It’s a horrific condition and can only be treated with vinegar and brown paper.”

The former Everton boss is glad to be back, although he has no immediate plans to return to football, saying, “Howard Kendall’s invented a children’s doll which he calls Salty Don (above right). When you squeeze Don’s hands he spits hot salt out of his eyes. That’s where Howard Kendall is at these days.”

Salty Don is not commercially available at present.

GOLF:

RACING: Jenny Pitman has been forced to close her home for retired jockeys when no members of the public came forward to offer homes to the useless has-been boy-men. Twenty-nine ex-jockeys have been put to sleep as a result.

SKIING: World no.1 downhill skier Franz Yanker has revealed his incredible times are achieved by imagining he is being pursued by a giant ghost that wants to bum him (pictured).

BADMINTON: Spectators carrying acoustic guitars into UKBA tournaments are to have them confiscated under a new ruling due to take effect in June 2004. Unamplified electric guitars will still be allowed.

ATHLETICS: Yuri Kelnakov’s missing shot putt has still not been found, eleven days after he threw it during an Oslo meet. The latest theory from IAAA officials is that a bull eagle may have caught it in mid-air and is currently trying to hatch it somewhere.